Bad News Bears

My job is really hard sometimes.
I work in acute adult mental health, what used to be called "crisis teams". You know, the guys who wore the natty suits and chased Russel Crowe in A Beautiful Mind...

My job is mostly incredibly fulfilling, heart warming, challenging and indescribably humourous. I thank the heavens for 99% of the people that I have ever met whilst on the job. I've shared things with people that most people never will get to, raw undiluted humanity at it's epoch and nadir. and I'll wager that few people can turn up to work know that you can trust your co worker with your life, because you've had to before. I guess at brass tacks It's nice to feel as if you're putting something back into a community when you punch in for the day.

My job is also, at times mind numbingly boring, soul destroyingly sad/frustratinng and occasionally (very occasionlly)completely and utterly terrifying.

We manage a great degree of risk in the community and put things in place to help people keep themselves safe. Sometimes, despite our best efforts, people do stuff to harm themselves. Every time it happens it.... well, "Totally sucks" seems to be under stating it somewhat, but let's go with that.

Every time it is sad, but most times training, experience and de briefing gets you through I guess, and you feel like you're okay. This isn't one of those times...

This is one of those times where you feel that(despite all the rational stuff that you tell yourself)you've failed. Failed yourself, failed the person, failed our service and failed the family. It's a horrible place to be. And I'm right there now.

I've been here before, anyone who's good at the job has. It wont stop me turning up, and I'll ride these feelings out, just like I have before. You just have to keep going,and it totally becomes awesome again. But for now.. I feel fucking awful.

I'm also getting sick, one month out from my race. And debated with myself all day "should I? Shouldn't I?" go riding, as I've been doing so with vim these past months.. The dizziness and horizontal Ice water from the heavens put paid to that notion by three pm and I've settled for wrapping up warm, Rebecca's awesome Celery, Leek and Potato soup and most importantly, lots of wine. I feel marignally less awful. I'm off to curl up on the couch with Dr Who, Myth busters and stray beers from the fridge (Starve a fever, booze a cold?> Hopefully I'll be fit enough for a ride tomorrow, but for tonight it's a drunk geek fest.

I had my haircut. I Look like a fat marine. Think Vincent D'Onofrio in Full Metal Jacket without the psychosis,or towel party. hopefully.